Rambo

Posted on by thecodeman92

After the release of Rambo III in 1988, the expected fourth entry fell into development hell, with the rights changing hands a few times before the wheels finally began turning in the early 2000s. Stallone would return as the titular war veteran and also direct that fourth entry, 2008’s Rambo. Stallone was given a relatively small budget, so there wasn’t much he could do in the way of massive action and explosion set pieces, like most action films. His solution was, in lieu of explosions, to have a lot of blood. Lots and lots of blood. So much blood…

The film begins in Burma, where the ruthless military junta is oppressing and slaughtering local villagers. A group of missionaries want to cross over into Burma from neighboring Thailand, to bring medical supplies to the beleaguered civilians. However, no one wants to cross into Burma, not even the legendary soldier and current boat captain John Rambo, who has eked out an existence here in the twenty years since Rambo III. Rambo is persuaded into taking the missionaries to the village; after he departs, they are attacked and abducted by the soldiers. Some time later, the leader of the group’s church travels to Thailand to persuade Rambo to accompany a team of mercenaries that he has hired to save his parishioners. The mercs, with Rambo’s help, manage to rescue the hostages, but they are all recaptured the next morning, except for Rambo and a couple of others. Rambo then, almost singlehandedly, slaughters all of the soldiers, rescuing his compatriots from certain death. The final scene of the film shows Rambo finally returning to the United States, specifically, his family’s home in Arizona.

This is definitely an action movie where the plot isn’t all that important. It only serves to get Rambo into a situation where he must bloodily slaughter his enemies. And whwn I say “bloodily slaughter,” I mean “turn into mulch.” That’s what happens to you when you are shot repeatedly by an M2 Browning at point blank range. You become fertilizer. But other than the bloody action, this movie doesn’t really have much for me, like the other Rambo sequels. It’s just meh. None of the follow ups to First Blood have the gravitas that movie does, even though they’re much more of an action vein that the first one. We’re left to wonder, then, what Stallone would’ve done with a fifth Rambo film. It was going to happen, but never materialized. Given that it would’ve been called Last Blood, maybe we would have returned to the tragic story of the first. We’ll never know now.

Here’s the breakdown:

  1. Rambo kills: 77
  2. Explosion: 33
  3. The Burmese commander smokes: 4
  4. Someone doesn’t listen to Rambo: 3
  5. Callback to a previous Rambo film: 5
  6. The knife: 3
  7. Someone says “John”: 8
  8. Every different boat: 3

Total: 135

So, with a total of 135 sips, and 23 sips per bottle, that comes out to 5.87 beers drank. As I do not waste beer, I round that up to 6. And as the runtime of Rambo is 99 minutes, I drank at a rate of 1.28 sips per minute.

Here’s the running list of movies, ranked by amount of beer drank:

  1. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, 6.04 (7)
  2. Machete Kills, 6 even
  3. Rambo, 5.87 (6)
  4. The Dark Knight, 5.87 (6)
  5. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 5.78 (6)
  6. You Only Live Twice, 5.48 (6)
  7. Casino, 5.48 (6)
  8. The Spy Who Loved Me, 5.39 (6)
  9. Moonraker, 5.35 (6)
  10. Star Trek: Nemesis, 5.26 (6)
  11. Gladiator (2000), 5.22 (6)
  12. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 5.09 (6)
  13. Iron Man 3, 4.7 (5)
  14. Aliens, 4.7 (5)
  15. Batman (1966), 4.65 (5)
  16. Freddy vs. Jason, 4.61 (5)
  17. V for Vendetta, 4.61 (5)
  18. The Star Wars Holiday Special, 4.52 (5)
  19. Demolition Man, 4.52 (5)
  20. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 4.48 (5)
  21. GoldenEye, 4.26 (5)
  22. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 4.22 (5)
  23. Batman Forever, 4.17 (5)
  24. Batman (1989), 4.17 (5)
  25. Octopussy, 4.09 (5)
  26. Tango & Cash, 4.04 (5)
  27. The Fifth Element, 4 even
  28. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 4 even
  29. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 3.91 (4)
  30. The World Is Not Enough, 3.91 (4)
  31. The Wolverine, 3.91 (4)
  32. The Terminator, 3.87 (4)
  33. RoboCop (1987), 3.87 (4)
  34. Predator, 3.65 (4)
  35. Diamonds Are Forever, 3.65 (4)
  36. The Hunt for Red October, 3.61 (4)
  37. Jaws, 3.57 (4)
  38. X2: X-Men United, 3.52 (4)
  39. The Thing (1982), 3.48 (4)
  40. Tomorrow Never Dies, 3.48 (4)
  41. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 3.48 (4)
  42. Iron Man 2, 3.39 (4)
  43. Batman Returns, 3.39 (4)
  44. Blade, 3.35 (4)
  45. The Avengers (2012), 3.35 (4)
  46. Terminator 2: Judgment Day, 3.17 (4)
  47. Die Another Day, 3.09 (4)
  48. Road House (1989), 3.04 (4)
  49. The Living Daylights, 3.04 (4)
  50. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 3.04 (4)
  51. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, 2.96 (3)
  52. The Fugitive, 2.96 (3)
  53. Skyfall, 2.96 (3)
  54. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, 2.91 (3)
  55. The Patriot (2000), 2.83 (3)
  56. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, 2.74 (3)
  57. Highlander, 2.7 (3)
  58. Captain America: The First Avenger, 2.7 (3)
  59. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, 2.7 (3)
  60. Star Trek: First Contact, 2.65 (3)
  61. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 2.65 (3)
  62. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 2.57 (3)
  63. The Dark Knight Rises, 2.57 (3)
  64. New Nightmare, 2.52 (3)
  65. Alien 3, 2.52 (3)
  66. For Your Eyes Only, 2.48 (3)
  67. Creed, 2.48 (3)
  68. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, 2.43 (3)
  69. Blade Runner, 2.43 (3)
  70. Fatal Attraction, 2.43 (3)
  71. Spectre, 2.43 (3)
  72. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), 2.3 (3)
  73. The Running Man, 2.26 (3)
  74. Alien, 2.22 (3)
  75. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, 2.22 (3)
  76. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 2.22 (3)
  77. Rocky Balboa, 2.13 (3)
  78. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, 2.09 (3)
  79. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, 2.04 (3)
  80. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 2 even
  81. Terminator Genisys, 1.96 (2)
  82. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge, 1.91 (2)
  83. Superman II, 1.91 (2)
  84. The Silence of the Lambs, 1.91 (2)
  85. Batman Begins, 1.91 (2)
  86. Casino Royale (2006), 1.87 (2)
  87. Rambo III, 1.78 (2)
  88. Rocky IV, 1.74 (2)
  89. The Man with the Golden Gun, 1.39 (2)

And here’s the running list of movies, ranked by how fast they got me drunk:

  1. Rambo, 1.28
  2. Machete Kills, 1.25
  3. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 1.19
  4. Freddy vs. Jason, 1.09
  5. You Only Live Twice, 1.08
  6. The Star Wars Holiday Special, 1.06
  7. Star Trek: Nemesis, 1.04
  8. Batman (1966), 1.03
  9. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 1
  10. The Spy Who Loved Me, 0.99
  11. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, 0.98
  12. Moonraker, 0.98
  13. Tango & Cash, 0.92
  14. Demolition Man, 0.9
  15. The Dark Knight, 0.89
  16. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 0.85
  17. Iron Man 3, 0.83
  18. The Terminator, 0.83
  19. RoboCop (1987), 0.82
  20. V for Vendetta, 0.8
  21. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 0.8
  22. Batman Forever, 0.79
  23. Predator, 0.79
  24. Batman (1989), 0.76
  25. GoldenEye, 0.75
  26. Octopussy, 0.74
  27. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 0.73
  28. The Fifth Element, 0.73
  29. The Thing (1982), 0.73
  30. Casino, 0.71
  31. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, 0.71
  32. Aliens, 0.7
  33. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 0.7
  34. The World Is Not Enough, 0.7
  35. Diamonds Are Forever, 0.7
  36. Tomorrow Never Dies, 0.67
  37. Jaws, 0.66
  38. The Wolverine, 0.65
  39. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 0.65
  40. Blade, 0.64
  41. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, 0.64
  42. Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, 0.64
  43. Gladiator (2000), 0.63
  44. Iron Man 2, 0.62
  45. Batman Returns, 0.62
  46. The Hunt for Red October, 0.61
  47. X2: X-Men United, 0.61
  48. Road House (1989), 0.61
  49. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, 0.58
  50. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), 0.58
  51. Star Trek: First Contact, 0.55
  52. The Avengers (2012), 0.54
  53. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 0.54
  54. Terminator 2: Judgment Day, 0.53
  55. Die Another Day, 0.53
  56. The Living Daylights, 0.53
  57. Highlander, 0.53
  58. The Fugitive, 0.52
  59. New Nightmare, 0.52
  60. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, 0.52
  61. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, 0.52
  62. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge, 0.52
  63. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 0.51
  64. The Running Man, 0.51
  65. Captain America: The First Avenger, 0.5
  66. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 0.5
  67. Skyfall, 0.48
  68. Blade Runner, 0.48
  69. Rocky Balboa, 0.48
  70. Fatal Attraction, 0.47
  71. For Your Eyes Only, 0.45
  72. Alien, 0.44
  73. Rocky IV, 0.44
  74. Creed, 0.43
  75. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, 0.43
  76. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 0.43
  77. Rambo III, 0.41
  78. Alien 3, 0.4
  79. Spectre, 0.38
  80. Superman II, 0.38
  81. The Patriot (2000), 0.37
  82. The Dark Knight Rises, 0.37
  83. The Silence of the Lambs, 0.37
  84. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 0.36
  85. Terminator Genisys, 0.36
  86. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, 0.34
  87. Batman Begins, 0.31
  88. Casino Royale (2006), 0.3
  89. The Man with the Golden Gun, 0.26

Next up, a movie that really makes me want Harrison Ford as President, 1997’s Air Force One. Get off my plane!

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