Iron Man 3

Posted on by thecodeman92

Here we are, my first foray into the juggernaut that is the Marvel Cinematic Universe, 2013’s Iron Man 3. Robert Downey Jr. is, undoubtedly, the man on the screen most responsible for the success of the blockbuster franchise. He elevates any film he’s in as Tony Stark. This one, though, is not the strongest installment. I mean, it’s not bad, but when compared to the other Iron Man movies and the rest of the MCU, it’s mediocre. It’s not the worst (The Incredible Hulk) and it’s certainly not the best (The Avengers). What is probably the final Iron Man film with Downey (I don’t see Iron Man 4 on the horizon and I think Iron Man will die in Infinity War) doesn’t really take off like the first two did. It’s just…kinda boring. And the whole Mandarin fake-out thing was stupid. Just plain stupid.

Here’s the breakdown:

  1. A character is injured but regenerates: 10
  2. Events in The Avengers are referenced: 6
  3. Tony has a panic attack: 4
  4. Happy reminds someone about their badge: 6
  5. Every new Iron Man suit: 36
  6. Something explodes: 31
  7. Every show of Stark arrogance: 11
  8. Ben Kingsley’s performance as an Oriental man: 4

Total: 108

So, with a total of 108 sips, and 23 sips per bottle, that comes out to 4.7 beers drank. As I do not waste beer, I round that up to 5. And as the runtime of Iron Man 3 is 130 minutes, I drank at a rate of 0.83 sips per minute.

Here’s the running list of movies, ranked by amount of beer drank:

  1. Iron Man 3, 4.7 (5)
  2. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 4.48 (5)
  3. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 4 even
  4. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 3.48 (4)
  5. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 3.04 (4)
  6. Spectre, 2.43 (3)

And here’s the running list of movies, ranked by how fast they got me drunk:

  1. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 0.85
  2. Iron Man 3, 0.83
  3. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 0.7
  4. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 0.65
  5. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 0.51
  6. Spectre, 0.38

A new king in the castle. Trust me, it won’t last long. There’s a few films on the horizon that nearly killed me. Like, regretting-life-the-next-morning hangovers. But we’ll get there. We’ll get there. Speaking of killing, next up is the first film featuring the Daywalker himself, 1998’s Blade. Some motherfuckers always trying to ice skate uphill.

Leave a comment