Let’s get something straight right off the bat. To me, the last real Star Trek movie was 2002’s Star Trek: Nemesis. The so-called “Abrams-verse” movies are garbage, utter and total garbage. 2009’s Star Trek is the only film that I’ve ever rated a 0 out of 5 stars. I love the original series so much and to see it disrespected and remade into a lesser version is offensive to me on so many levels. I would rather watch the Star Wars prequels every day for a year than watch any of the Abrams Trek films. There’s only one man who can portray James Tiberius Kirk and his name is William Shatner, not Chris Pine. Okay, off my soapbox.
1982’s Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan is one of the finest films ever made. Even though it features a villain from an episode of the series, it can be seen and understood by the layperson not familiar with Trek. As I get older, I understand more and more Admiral Kirk’s problems with aging, about the things that he regrets not doing. The sacrifice of Mr. Spock is one of the most heart-breaking moments in cinema history and Kirk’s eulogy of his friend is touching, especially given the real-life friendship between William Shatner and Leonard Nimoy. And every epic line delivered by Ricardo Montalban’s Khan (complete with real chest) is just badass. In a world without Star Wars (a terrifying thought), this would undoubtedly be the greatest movie ever made.
Here’s the breakdown:
- A character raises an eyebrow: 4
- Someone says “Genesis”: 31
- Sulu speaks: 25
- Spock invokes logic: 3
- Someone calls Saavik “mister”: 9
- The Kobyashi Maru test is mentioned: 4
- Khan’s chest is prominently shown: 5
- Someone says “Admiral Kirk”: 9
Total: 90
So, with a total of 90 sips, and 23 sips per bottle, that comes out to 3.91 beers drank. As I do not waste beer, I round that up to 4. And as the runtime of The Wrath of Khan is 112 minutes, I drank at a rate of 0.8 sips per minute.
Here’s the running list of movies, ranked by amount of beer drank:
- Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 5.78 (6)
- Iron Man 3, 4.7 (5)
- Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 4.48 (5)
- Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 4 even
- Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 3.91 (4)
- Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 3.48 (4)
- Blade, 3.35 (4)
- Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 3.04 (4)
- Spectre, 2.43 (3)
- The Man with the Golden Gun, 1.39 (2)
And here’s the running list of movies, ranked by how fast they got me drunk:
- Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 1
- Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 0.85
- Iron Man 3, 0.83
- Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 0.8
- Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 0.7
- Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 0.65
- Blade, 0.64
- Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 0.51
- Spectre, 0.38
- The Man with the Golden Gun, 0.26
This movie is probably one of the few outside Star Wars where I can quote a majority of the dialogue. That’s how much I love it and how many times I’ve seen it. And the man who wrote and directed this masterpiece is involved with the forthcoming return to TV, Star Trek: Discovery. All is right with the world. Next up is not a movie I enjoy. You’ll know why tomorrow when I post about 1999’s The World Is Not Enough.
Beer. Movies. Fun. 