There are few things that I love more than Star Wars. Delving into the galaxy far, far away is a welcome escape from the world and has given me much enjoyment over the years. Imagine my excitement when it was announced that an animated series would premiere on television in 2008. And I wasn’t disappointed. The Clone Wars series ventured to new places and added depth to the saga. Yes, it had its low points, but overall it’s a solid series (part of the reason why I think it was retained in the new canon). 2008’s Star Wars: The Clone Wars film however? Holy shit, does it stink. Originally, the movie wasn’t supposed to even happen, but when George Lucas saw early renders and ideas for the first arc of the series, he decided to make it into a film. Many of the problems of the movie stem from the fact that it’s just three TV episodes stitched together. And they weren’t strong episodes to begin with. The worst atrocity comes in the form of Jabba the Hutt’s uncle, Ziro. I mean…what the hell is that? He looks stupid and his voice is painful to listen to. Ziro the Hutt is one of the worst characters ever developed for Star Wars, right down there with Jar Jar Binks and Nute Gunray. This movie was so hard to get through when I watched it, especially knowing how good the series would later become.
Here’s the breakdown:
- A lightsaber is turned on or off: 44
- A battle droid says something meant to be funny: 11
- Anakin or Ahsoka give someone/something a nickname: 5
- Someone speaks a language other that Basic (English for you noobs): 15
- The location changes to a different planet: 25
- Stinky the Hutt appears: 11
- The Force is mentioned: 3
- A new clone nickname is revealed: 3
Total: 117
So, with a total of 117 sips, and 23 sips per bottle, that comes out to 5.09 beers drank. As I do not waste beers, I round that up to 6. And as the runtime of Star Wars: The Clone Wars is 98 minutes, I drank at a rate of 1.19 sips per minute.
Here’s the running list of movies, ranked by amount of beer drank:
- Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 5.78 (6)
- You Only Live Twice, 5.48 (6)
- Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 5.09 (6)
- Iron Man 3, 4.7 (5)
- Batman (1966), 4.65 (5)
- Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 4.48 (5)
- Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 4.22 (5)
- Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 4 even
- Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 3.91 (4)
- The World Is Not Enough, 3.91 (4)
- Tomorrow Never Dies, 3.48 (4)
- Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 3.48 (4)
- Blade, 3.35 (4)
- Die Another Day, 3.09 (4)
- Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 3.04 (4)
- Skyfall, 2.96 (3)
- The Patriot (2000), 2.83 (3)
- Alien 3, 2.52 (3)
- For Your Eyes Only, 2.48 (3)
- Creed, 2.48 (3)
- Fatal Attraction, 2.43 (3)
- Spectre, 2.43 (3)
- Alien, 2.22 (3)
- Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 2 even
- Rambo III, 1.78 (2)
- Rocky IV, 1.74 (2)
- The Man with the Golden Gun, 1.39 (2)
And here’s the running list of movies, ranked by how fast they got me drunk:
- Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 1.19
- You Only Live Twice, 1.08
- Batman (1966), 1.03
- Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 1
- Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 0.85
- Iron Man 3, 0.83
- Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 0.8
- Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 0.73
- Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 0.7
- The World Is Not Enough, 0.7
- Tomorrow Never Dies, 0.67
- Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 0.65
- Blade, 0.64
- Die Another Day, 0.53
- Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 0.51
- Skyfall, 0.48
- Fatal Attraction, 0.47
- For Your Eyes Only, 0.45
- Alien, 0.44
- Rocky IV, 0.44
- Creed, 0.43
- Rambo III, 0.41
- Alien 3, 0.4
- Spectre, 0.38
- The Patriot (2000), 0.37
- Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 0.36
- The Man with the Golden Gun, 0.26
I’ve thought about doing some sort of blog or podcast with someone and maybe doing a drunken review of each episode of The Clone Wars. If I ever do that, I think I’ll skip over this movie. It’s caused me enough brain and liver damage. Next up, a movie that makes me want to save the whales, 1986’s Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home. Double dumbass on you!
Beer. Movies. Fun. 