The Thing (1982)

Posted on by thecodeman92

Like anyone, there are a few things in this world I fear. Bugs. Clowns. Going gray. But there are a couple of subjects that…disturb me. Utter nothingness (voids, black holes, the dark, etc.) and something (or someone) appearing to be something they’re not. 1982’s The Thing definitely falls into the latter category. It features a team of scientists stationed at an Antarctic outpost, isolated and cutoff from the rest of the world, who stumble upon a mystery: a burned-out Norwegian outpost, a lone dog, and an alien spaceship, frozen in ice. At first, all seems well. But then…the Thing strikes. And, worst of all, it can assume the shape of any living creature. The base becomes a hotbed of paranoia and suspicion, with Kurt Russell’s R. J. MacReady taking charge in the attempt to root out and kill the Thing. I’m not going to say much about the plot, because I can’t do it justice and I don’t want to spoil it for you. This is one of the greatest sci-fi action films ever made. Oh…and Wilford Brimley is in it. So…diaaabeeetus.

Here’s the breakdown:

  1. Someone dies: 11
  2. The Thing transforms: 5
  3. A gun is fired: 16
  4. Something catches on fire: 12
  5. “Thing” is said: 5
  6. “Window” is said: 15
  7. “Mac” is said: 12
  8. “Norwegian” is said: 4

Total: 80

So, with a total of 80 sips, and 23 sips per bottle, that comes out to 3.48 beers drank. As I do not waste beer, I round that up to 4. And as the runtime of The Thing is 109 minutes, I drank at a rate of 0.73 sips per minute.

Here’s the running list of movies, ranked by amount of beer drank:

  1. Machete Kills, 6 even
  2. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 5.78 (6)
  3. You Only Live Twice, 5.48 (6)
  4. The Spy Who Loved Me, 5.39 (6)
  5. Moonraker, 5.35 (6)
  6. Star Trek: Nemesis, 5.26 (6)
  7. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 5.09 (6)
  8. Iron Man 3, 4.7 (5)
  9. Batman (1966), 4.65 (5)
  10. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 4.48 (5)
  11. GoldenEye, 4.26 (5)
  12. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 4.22 (5)
  13. Octopussy, 4.09 (5)
  14. Tango & Cash, 4.04 (5)
  15. The Fifth Element, 4 even
  16. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 4 even
  17. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 3.91 (4)
  18. The World Is Not Enough, 3.91 (4)
  19. RoboCop (1987), 3.87 (4)
  20. X2: X-Men United, 3.52 (4)
  21. The Thing (1982), 3.48 (4)
  22. Tomorrow Never Dies, 3.48 (4)
  23. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 3.48 (4)
  24. Blade, 3.35 (4)
  25. The Avengers (2012), 3.35 (4)
  26. Die Another Day, 3.09 (4)
  27. The Living Daylights, 3.04 (4)
  28. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 3.04 (4)
  29. Skyfall, 2.96 (3)
  30. The Patriot (2000), 2.83 (3)
  31. Highlander, 2.7 (3)
  32. Captain America: The First Avenger, 2.7 (3)
  33. Star Trek: First Contact, 2.65 (3)
  34. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 2.65 (3)
  35. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 2.57 (3)
  36. The Dark Knight Rises, 2.57 (3)
  37. Alien 3, 2.52 (3)
  38. For Your Eyes Only, 2.48 (3)
  39. Creed, 2.48 (3)
  40. Blade Runner, 2.43 (3)
  41. Fatal Attraction, 2.43 (3)
  42. Spectre, 2.43 (3)
  43. The Running Man, 2.26 (3)
  44. Alien, 2.22 (3)
  45. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, 2.22 (3)
  46. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 2.22 (3)
  47. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 2 even
  48. Superman II, 1.91 (2)
  49. The Silence of the Lambs, 1.91 (2)
  50. Batman Begins, 1.91 (2)
  51. Rambo III, 1.78 (2)
  52. Rocky IV, 1.74 (2)
  53. The Man with the Golden Gun, 1.39 (2)

And here’s the running list of movies, ranked by how fast they got me drunk:

  1. Machete Kills, 1.25
  2. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 1.19
  3. You Only Live Twice, 1.08
  4. Star Trek: Nemesis, 1.04
  5. Batman (1966), 1.03
  6. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 1
  7. The Spy Who Loved Me, 0.99
  8. Moonraker, 0.98
  9. Tango & Cash, 0.92
  10. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 0.85
  11. Iron Man 3, 0.83
  12. RoboCop (1987), 0.82
  13. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 0.8
  14. GoldenEye, 0.75
  15. Octopussy, 0.74
  16. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 0.73
  17. The Fifth Element, 0.73
  18. The Thing (1982), 0.73
  19. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 0.7
  20. The World Is Not Enough, 0.7
  21. Tomorrow Never Dies, 0.67
  22. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 0.65
  23. Blade, 0.64
  24. X2: X-Men United, 0.61
  25. Star Trek: First Contact, 0.55
  26. The Avengers (2012), 0.54
  27. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 0.54
  28. Die Another Day, 0.53
  29. The Living Daylights, 0.53
  30. Highlander, 0.53
  31. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 0.51
  32. The Running Man, 0.51
  33. Captain America: The First Avenger, 0.5
  34. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 0.5
  35. Skyfall, 0.48
  36. Blade Runner, 0.48
  37. Fatal Attraction, 0.47
  38. For Your Eyes Only, 0.45
  39. Alien, 0.44
  40. Rocky IV, 0.44
  41. Creed, 0.43
  42. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, 0.43
  43. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 0.43
  44. Rambo III, 0.41
  45. Alien 3, 0.4
  46. Spectre, 0.38
  47. Superman II, 0.38
  48. The Patriot (2000), 0.37
  49. The Dark Knight Rises, 0.37
  50. The Silence of the Lambs, 0.37
  51. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 0.36
  52. Batman Begins, 0.31
  53. The Man with the Golden Gun, 0.26

Next up, following up one predator with another, as I post about 1975’s Jaws. Stay out of the water…

Leave a comment