The Hunt for Red October

Posted on by thecodeman92

The Cold War ended in 1991 with the collapse of the Soviet Union, ending decades of hostility between East and West. The tensions spread into every aspect of both societies, including the film industry, giving us movies like The Manchurian Candidate and From Russia with Love. In the decade preceding the Soviet collapse, Hollywood began producing some of the best Cold War movies, almost like it knew the collapse was imminent and they needed to capitalize quickly. Rocky IV, Spies Like Us, and Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country are some of the shining examples of this period of productivity, but none show the actual conflict better than 1990’s The Hunt for Red October, based on the Tom Clancy novel of the same name. The premise of the film is that Captain Marko Ramius and the command crew of the Soviet submarine Red October plan to defect to the United States, gifting the Americans the vessel and its top secret, revolutionary silent propulsion system. Ramius must evade destruction at the hands of both the Soviet navy sent after him, and the American navy, which has no idea what he’s up to. CIA analyst Jack Ryan surmises that Ramius plans to defect and assists him in doing so, fooling the Soviets into thinking Red October was destroyed, when in reality, its taken by the United States for analysis. It’s a simple plot, but is played with such tension and realism, that the movie feels believable. The cast is a veritable who’s who of my own catalog; I recognize so many of the actors from other things I like. Sir Sean Connery (James Bond), Alec Baldwin (Beetlejuice), James Earl Jones (Star Wars), Jeffrey Jones (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off), Tim Curry (Clue), Scott Glenn (The Silence of the Lambs), Sam Neill (Jurassic Park), Joss Ackland (Lethal Weapon 2), Stellan Skarsgard (The Avengers), Fred Thompson (Law & Order), Daniel Davis (The Nanny), hell even Gates McFadden (Star Trek: The Next Generation) for a few seconds. And John McTiernan, the director, had previously helmed Die Hard and my favorite action movie, Predator. That might be why I love this movie as much as I do. Everyone is recognizable to me and so, I pay attention to them more. Don’t ever read the book, though. I tried to and couldn’t get through it. Clancy felt it necessary to describe every damn piece of tech on the subs more than the characters or the situation. I felt like I was reading the instruction booklet to a supercomputer. I’m surprised that he didn’t go into exquisite detail on how each individual screw in the hull of the ships were made. Ugh.

Here’s the breakdown:

  1. Location titles appear: 9
  2. See or hear the name of a ship: 34
  3. Someone receives a printout: 5
  4. Russian is spoken: 16
  5. Jack Ryan is doubted: 6
  6. Tim Curry: 5
  7. A torpedo is fired: 5
  8. The Soviet ambassador is embarrassed: 3

Total: 83

So, with a total of 83 sips, and 23 sips per bottle, that comes out to 3.61 beers drank. As I do not waste beer, I round that up to 4. And as the runtime of The Hunt for Red October is 135 minutes, I drank at a rate of 0.61 sips per minute.

Here’s the running list of movies, ranked by amount of beer drank:

  1. Machete Kills, 6 even
  2. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 5.78 (6)
  3. You Only Live Twice, 5.48 (6)
  4. The Spy Who Loved Me, 5.39 (6)
  5. Moonraker, 5.35 (6)
  6. Star Trek: Nemesis, 5.26 (6)
  7. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 5.09 (6)
  8. Iron Man 3, 4.7 (5)
  9. Aliens, 4.7 (5)
  10. Batman (1966), 4.65 (5)
  11. Freddy vs. Jason, 4.61 (5)
  12. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 4.48 (5)
  13. GoldenEye, 4.26 (5)
  14. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 4.22 (5)
  15. Batman (1989), 4.17 (5)
  16. Octopussy, 4.09 (5)
  17. Tango & Cash, 4.04 (5)
  18. The Fifth Element, 4 even
  19. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 4 even
  20. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 3.91 (4)
  21. The World Is Not Enough, 3.91 (4)
  22. RoboCop (1987), 3.87 (4)
  23. The Hunt for Red October, 3.61 (4)
  24. Jaws, 3.57 (4)
  25. X2: X-Men United, 3.52 (4)
  26. The Thing (1982), 3.48 (4)
  27. Tomorrow Never Dies, 3.48 (4)
  28. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 3.48 (4)
  29. Blade, 3.35 (4)
  30. The Avengers (2012), 3.35 (4)
  31. Die Another Day, 3.09 (4)
  32. The Living Daylights, 3.04 (4)
  33. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 3.04 (4)
  34. Skyfall, 2.96 (3)
  35. The Patriot (2000), 2.83 (3)
  36. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, 2.74 (3)
  37. Highlander, 2.7 (3)
  38. Captain America: The First Avenger, 2.7 (3)
  39. Star Trek: First Contact, 2.65 (3)
  40. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 2.65 (3)
  41. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 2.57 (3)
  42. The Dark Knight Rises, 2.57 (3)
  43. New Nightmare, 2.52 (3)
  44. Alien 3, 2.52 (3)
  45. For Your Eyes Only, 2.48 (3)
  46. Creed, 2.48 (3)
  47. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, 2.43 (3)
  48. Blade Runner, 2.43 (3)
  49. Fatal Attraction, 2.43 (3)
  50. Spectre, 2.43 (3)
  51. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), 2.3 (3)
  52. The Running Man, 2.26 (3)
  53. Alien, 2.22 (3)
  54. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, 2.22 (3)
  55. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 2.22 (3)
  56. Rocky Balboa, 2.13 (3)
  57. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, 2.09 (3)
  58. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, 2.04 (3)
  59. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 2 even
  60. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge, 1.91 (2)
  61. Superman II, 1.91 (2)
  62. The Silence of the Lambs, 1.91 (2)
  63. Batman Begins, 1.91 (2)
  64. Rambo III, 1.78 (2)
  65. Rocky IV, 1.74 (2)
  66. The Man with the Golden Gun, 1.39 (2)

And here’s the running list of movies, ranked by how fast they got me drunk:

  1. Machete Kills, 1.25
  2. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 1.19
  3. Freddy vs. Jason, 1.09
  4. You Only Live Twice, 1.08
  5. Star Trek: Nemesis, 1.04
  6. Batman (1966), 1.03
  7. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 1
  8. The Spy Who Loved Me, 0.99
  9. Moonraker, 0.98
  10. Tango & Cash, 0.92
  11. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 0.85
  12. Iron Man 3, 0.83
  13. RoboCop (1987), 0.82
  14. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 0.8
  15. Batman (1989), 0.76
  16. GoldenEye, 0.75
  17. Octopussy, 0.74
  18. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 0.73
  19. The Fifth Element, 0.73
  20. The Thing (1982), 0.73
  21. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, 0.71
  22. Aliens, 0.7
  23. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 0.7
  24. The World Is Not Enough, 0.7
  25. Tomorrow Never Dies, 0.67
  26. Jaws, 0.66
  27. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 0.65
  28. Blade, 0.64
  29. The Hunt for Red October, 0.61
  30. X2: X-Men United, 0.61
  31. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, 0.58
  32. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), 0.58
  33. Star Trek: First Contact, 0.55
  34. The Avengers (2012), 0.54
  35. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 0.54
  36. Die Another Day, 0.53
  37. The Living Daylights, 0.53
  38. Highlander, 0.53
  39. New Nightmare, 0.52
  40. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, 0.52
  41. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, 0.52
  42. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge, 0.52
  43. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 0.51
  44. The Running Man, 0.51
  45. Captain America: The First Avenger, 0.5
  46. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 0.5
  47. Skyfall, 0.48
  48. Blade Runner, 0.48
  49. Rocky Balboa, 0.48
  50. Fatal Attraction, 0.47
  51. For Your Eyes Only, 0.45
  52. Alien, 0.44
  53. Rocky IV, 0.44
  54. Creed, 0.43
  55. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, 0.43
  56. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 0.43
  57. Rambo III, 0.41
  58. Alien 3, 0.4
  59. Spectre, 0.38
  60. Superman II, 0.38
  61. The Patriot (2000), 0.37
  62. The Dark Knight Rises, 0.37
  63. The Silence of the Lambs, 0.37
  64. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 0.36
  65. Batman Begins, 0.31
  66. The Man with the Golden Gun, 0.26

Next up, from the depths of the Pacific to the crime-ridden streets of Gotham City, I post about 2008’s The Dark Knight. Will I wear hockey pants? Maybe.

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