The Wolverine

Posted on by thecodeman92

Sorry for the absence, ladies and gentlemen. I have the bad habit of picking up a video game and not putting it down until I’m finished with it, to the exclusion of all else. Time to hop back into the saddle with 2013’s The Wolverine. The second solo outing from Hugh Jackman’s troubled anti-hero begins with the nuclear bombing of Nagasaki, Japan, in 1945. Logan is an a prisoner in a POW camp when the bomb is dropped on the city. Logan and a Japanese soldier survive the blast by diving into a pit, with Logan shielding the soldier and being burnt to a crisp, which he heals from, of course. Fast forward to the present day, where Wolverine is a hermit in the Canadian Rockies, trying to cope with the aftermath of Jean Grey’s death in X-Men: The Last Stand. He is tracked down by a Japanese mutant named Yukio, who convinces Wolverine to accompany her back to Japan. There, he meets Ichiro Yashida, the soldier who’s life he saved in 1945, now the head of a major corporation and dying of cancer. Ichiro wants to strike a deal with Wolverine: the old man will take Wolverine’s healing factor from him, granting Ichiro practical immortality and granting the grizzled mutant the eventual release of death. Wolverine refuses and retires for the evening, planning to return to Canada in the morning. During the night, however, Wolverine is implanted with a device that limits his healing factor by one of Ichiro’s physicians. Wolverine writes it off as a dream, and wakes up in the morning to find out that Ichiro has died.

At Yashida’s funeral, Wolverine foils the attempted kidnapping of Ichiro’s granddaughter, Mariko, by Yakuza gangsters. Wolverine and Markio escape to a love hotel after a thrilling bullet train chase, during which Wolverine’s dampened healing abilities are revealed. Mariko is again attacked, but this time, Wolverine is unable to stop her from being taken. It is revealed, however, that she was kidnapped by her own father, Shingen, who was passed over in Ichiro’s will in favor of Mariko. Wolverine and Yukio infiltrate the estate where Mariko is being held, kill Shingen, and remove the device around Wolverine’s heart that was affecting his healing factor in an awesome scene where Wolverine sticks his hand in his own chest to get it out. Mariko is spirited away by ninjas in the confusion.

Wolverine tracks Mariko to a village, where he is overcome and captured by a team of ninjas. He is taken to a facility where Ichiro’s doctor (revealed as the villainous mutant Viper) plans to remove Wolverine’s healing factor. The X-Man is also shown the Silver Samurai, a massive silver samurai suit with adamantium swords. Mariko has managed to escape from the ninjas by this point, and frees Wolverine, who engages the Silver Samurai in battle, while Yukio fights and defeats Viper. The Silver Samurai manages to sever Wolverine’s claws, at which point the Samurai reveals himself to be Ichiro, who had faked his death. Ichiro begins to forcefully remove Wolverine’s healing factor, beginning to regain his youth. Mariko sneaks up and stabs her grandfather with Wolverine’s severed claws, allowing the mutant to kill the old man and throw him off of a cliff.

Afterwards, Mariko thanks Wolverine for his help, and grants him the use of her plane to take him back to Canada. Yukio accompanies him home, giving him a set of yellow and black samurai armor. After he arrives in his homeland and is beginning to leave the airport, Wolverine notices that everyone has frozen, stopped dead in their tracks. He is confronted by Magneto, who warns Wolverine of an impending threat to all mutants. Wolverine is hesitant to believe the Master of Magnetism, until an old friend wheels up to him…

This one is just kind of meh. It’s not bad X-Men Origins level of stink, but it’s not X2, either. I think the best part was Wolverine’s fight against the fifty or so ninjas. Pretty epic. And of course, the fanboy moment at the end where he is gifted the samurai armor, which is the only time in all of Hugh Jackman’s nine X-Men films that we get to see Wolverine’s comic book outfit. He doesn’t put it on, but it was still nice to see.

Here’s the breakdown:

  1. “Logan” is said: 9
  2. Japanese is untranslated: 8
  3. Wolverine is shot: 5
  4. Wolverine says “bub”: 4
  5. Wolverine’s claws extend or retract: 42
  6. Wolverine heals: 10
  7. Jean Grey makes an appearance: 5
  8. Viper shows her lizard side: 7

Total: 90

So, with a total of 90 sips, and 23 sips per bottle, that comes out to 3.91 beers drank. As I do not waste beer, I round that up to 4. And as the runtime of The Wolverine is 138 minutes, I drank at a rate of 0.65 sips per minute.

Here’s the running list of movies, ranked by amount of beer drank:

  1. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, 6.04 (7)
  2. Machete Kills, 6 even
  3. The Dark Knight, 5.87 (6)
  4. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 5.78 (6)
  5. You Only Live Twice, 5.48 (6)
  6. The Spy Who Loved Me, 5.39 (6)
  7. Moonraker, 5.35 (6)
  8. Star Trek: Nemesis, 5.26 (6)
  9. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 5.09 (6)
  10. Iron Man 3, 4.7 (5)
  11. Aliens, 4.7 (5)
  12. Batman (1966), 4.65 (5)
  13. Freddy vs. Jason, 4.61 (5)
  14. V for Vendetta, 4.61 (5)
  15. The Star Wars Holiday Special, 4.52 (5)
  16. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 4.48 (5)
  17. GoldenEye, 4.26 (5)
  18. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 4.22 (5)
  19. Batman (1989), 4.17 (5)
  20. Octopussy, 4.09 (5)
  21. Tango & Cash, 4.04 (5)
  22. The Fifth Element, 4 even
  23. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 4 even
  24. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 3.91 (4)
  25. The World Is Not Enough, 3.91 (4)
  26. The Wolverine, 3.91 (4)
  27. RoboCop (1987), 3.87 (4)
  28. The Hunt for Red October, 3.61 (4)
  29. Jaws, 3.57 (4)
  30. X2: X-Men United, 3.52 (4)
  31. The Thing (1982), 3.48 (4)
  32. Tomorrow Never Dies, 3.48 (4)
  33. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 3.48 (4)
  34. Blade, 3.35 (4)
  35. The Avengers (2012), 3.35 (4)
  36. Terminator 2: Judgment Day, 3.17 (4)
  37. Die Another Day, 3.09 (4)
  38. The Living Daylights, 3.04 (4)
  39. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 3.04 (4)
  40. Skyfall, 2.96 (3)
  41. The Patriot (2000), 2.83 (3)
  42. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, 2.74 (3)
  43. Highlander, 2.7 (3)
  44. Captain America: The First Avenger, 2.7 (3)
  45. Star Trek: First Contact, 2.65 (3)
  46. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 2.65 (3)
  47. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 2.57 (3)
  48. The Dark Knight Rises, 2.57 (3)
  49. New Nightmare, 2.52 (3)
  50. Alien 3, 2.52 (3)
  51. For Your Eyes Only, 2.48 (3)
  52. Creed, 2.48 (3)
  53. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, 2.43 (3)
  54. Blade Runner, 2.43 (3)
  55. Fatal Attraction, 2.43 (3)
  56. Spectre, 2.43 (3)
  57. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), 2.3 (3)
  58. The Running Man, 2.26 (3)
  59. Alien, 2.22 (3)
  60. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, 2.22 (3)
  61. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 2.22 (3)
  62. Rocky Balboa, 2.13 (3)
  63. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, 2.09 (3)
  64. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, 2.04 (3)
  65. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 2 even
  66. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge, 1.91 (2)
  67. Superman II, 1.91 (2)
  68. The Silence of the Lambs, 1.91 (2)
  69. Batman Begins, 1.91 (2)
  70. Rambo III, 1.78 (2)
  71. Rocky IV, 1.74 (2)
  72. The Man with the Golden Gun, 1.39 (2)

And here’s the running list of movies, ranked by how fast they got me drunk:

  1. Machete Kills, 1.25
  2. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 1.19
  3. Freddy vs. Jason, 1.09
  4. You Only Live Twice, 1.08
  5. The Star Wars Holiday Special, 1.06
  6. Star Trek: Nemesis, 1.04
  7. Batman (1966), 1.03
  8. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 1
  9. The Spy Who Loved Me, 0.99
  10. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, 0.98
  11. Moonraker, 0.98
  12. Tango & Cash, 0.92
  13. The Dark Knight, 0.89
  14. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 0.85
  15. Iron Man 3, 0.83
  16. RoboCop (1987), 0.82
  17. V for Vendetta, 0.8
  18. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 0.8
  19. Batman (1989), 0.76
  20. GoldenEye, 0.75
  21. Octopussy, 0.74
  22. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 0.73
  23. The Fifth Element, 0.73
  24. The Thing (1982), 0.73
  25. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, 0.71
  26. Aliens, 0.7
  27. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 0.7
  28. The World Is Not Enough, 0.7
  29. Tomorrow Never Dies, 0.67
  30. Jaws, 0.66
  31. The Wolverine, 0.65
  32. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 0.65
  33. Blade, 0.64
  34. The Hunt for Red October, 0.61
  35. X2: X-Men United, 0.61
  36. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, 0.58
  37. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), 0.58
  38. Star Trek: First Contact, 0.55
  39. The Avengers (2012), 0.54
  40. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 0.54
  41. Terminator 2: Judgment Day, 0.53
  42. Die Another Day, 0.53
  43. The Living Daylights, 0.53
  44. Highlander, 0.53
  45. New Nightmare, 0.52
  46. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, 0.52
  47. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, 0.52
  48. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge, 0.52
  49. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 0.51
  50. The Running Man, 0.51
  51. Captain America: The First Avenger, 0.5
  52. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 0.5
  53. Skyfall, 0.48
  54. Blade Runner, 0.48
  55. Rocky Balboa, 0.48
  56. Fatal Attraction, 0.47
  57. For Your Eyes Only, 0.45
  58. Alien, 0.44
  59. Rocky IV, 0.44
  60. Creed, 0.43
  61. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, 0.43
  62. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 0.43
  63. Rambo III, 0.41
  64. Alien 3, 0.4
  65. Spectre, 0.38
  66. Superman II, 0.38
  67. The Patriot (2000), 0.37
  68. The Dark Knight Rises, 0.37
  69. The Silence of the Lambs, 0.37
  70. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 0.36
  71. Batman Begins, 0.31
  72. The Man with the Golden Gun, 0.26

Next up, one of the most miserable movies for me to watch, an unbearable piece of garbage, the piece of refuse that is 1995’s Batman Forever. Holy rusted metal, Batman!

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