Terminator Genisys

Posted on by thecodeman92

This damn movie. First of all, the title: Terminator Genisys. The fact that, as I type it, “genisys” is underlined in red as a misspelled word. Was the script written out by hand? By a five-year-old? The plot certainly seems like it was cooked up by an adolescent. While I can praise the return of Schwarzenegger to the franchise that made him famous, his homecoming was a total piece of garbage. The film begins in the not-too-distant future of 2029, as the human resistance, led by John Connor and Kyle Reese, defeat the malevolent forces of Skynet. However, before its defeat, Skynet managed to send a lone Terminator back to 1984, using the experimental time displacement equipment. Connor sends Reese through after it. The Terminator’s arrival is exactly as we saw it in theaters in 1984…until another, older Terminator disables it. Reese’s arrival is exactly as we saw it in theaters in 1984…until a T-1000 attempts to kill him, before being stopped by Sarah Connor. Clearly, the timeline has been altered. Sarah, Reese, and the Terminator manage to eradicate the T-1000, but the Terminator, called “Pops,” is damaged, and cannot follow through with Sarah’s plan: to travel to 1997 with a makeshift time displacement device and stop Judgment Day. However, Reese convinces them to send Sarah and himself to 2017, a date impressed upon him by his trip through time. Sarah and Reese arrive in 2017…in the middle of the highway. They are taken to the hospital for examination, where they are sprung by an aged Pops. As they leave, they encounter John Connor, who has been altered by Skynet into the T-3000, a Terminator that can instantly regenerate from its injuries, Wolverine-style. The rest of the movie is so convoluted it’s hard to describe, but, long story short, John had been taken over and transformed by Matt Smith (what a novel idea, putting him into a time-travel movie), sent back to 2015, and helped create the seemingly-benevolent operating system Genisys (a precursor to Skynet), which is nearing launch worldwide. Sarah, Reese, and Pops go to Cyberdyne HQ to destroy it, manage to destroy John, and stop Judgment Day…or did they?

Yes, they did, because the mid-credits teaser will not happen, now that the planned sequels have been cancelled. On paper, this movie should have been awesome. Arnold is back as the Terminator. Emilia Clarke as a badass Sarah Connor. The twist that John Connor, the protagonist in three of the four movies so far, is now the villain. Should have been great. But it wasn’t. And, I can’t really explain why. It just doesn’t…feel like a Terminator movie. Yeah, it was cool seeing the recreated scenes from the original film, but that bit of nostalgia isn’t enough. It’s just not a good movie. Thankfully, this aberration will be corrected. The film rights of the series are reverting back to James Cameron, who is planning a new trilogy of films, with the involvement of Schwarzenegger and, as revealed just this week, Linda Hamilton, the original (and only, in my book) Sarah Connor. In other words…they’re back.

Here’s the breakdown:

  1. Different Terminator model: 6
  2. Reference to previous Terminator films: 7
  3. Someone is thrown/walks through a wall: 8
  4. Different personification of Skynet: 4
  5. Change in time period: 7
  6. Terminator vision: 7
  7. A Terminator walks out of a bath of fire: 3
  8. John Connor talks about losing his humanity: 3

Total: 45

So, with a total of 45 sips, and 23 sips per bottle, that comes out to 1.96 beers drank. As I do not waste beer, I round that up to 2. And as the runtime of Terminator Genisys is 126 minutes, I drank at a rate of 0.36 sips per minute.

Here’s the running list of movies, ranked by amount of beer drank:

  1. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, 6.04 (7)
  2. Machete Kills, 6 even
  3. The Dark Knight, 5.87 (6)
  4. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 5.78 (6)
  5. You Only Live Twice, 5.48 (6)
  6. The Spy Who Loved Me, 5.39 (6)
  7. Moonraker, 5.35 (6)
  8. Star Trek: Nemesis, 5.26 (6)
  9. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 5.09 (6)
  10. Iron Man 3, 4.7 (5)
  11. Aliens, 4.7 (5)
  12. Batman (1966), 4.65 (5)
  13. Freddy vs. Jason, 4.61 (5)
  14. V for Vendetta, 4.61 (5)
  15. The Star Wars Holiday Special, 4.52 (5)
  16. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 4.48 (5)
  17. GoldenEye, 4.26 (5)
  18. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 4.22 (5)
  19. Batman Forever, 4.17 (5)
  20. Batman (1989), 4.17 (5)
  21. Octopussy, 4.09 (5)
  22. Tango & Cash, 4.04 (5)
  23. The Fifth Element, 4 even
  24. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 4 even
  25. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 3.91 (4)
  26. The World Is Not Enough, 3.91 (4)
  27. The Wolverine, 3.91 (4)
  28. RoboCop (1987), 3.87 (4)
  29. The Hunt for Red October, 3.61 (4)
  30. Jaws, 3.57 (4)
  31. X2: X-Men United, 3.52 (4)
  32. The Thing (1982), 3.48 (4)
  33. Tomorrow Never Dies, 3.48 (4)
  34. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 3.48 (4)
  35. Batman Returns, 3.39 (4)
  36. Blade, 3.35 (4)
  37. The Avengers (2012), 3.35 (4)
  38. Terminator 2: Judgment Day, 3.17 (4)
  39. Die Another Day, 3.09 (4)
  40. The Living Daylights, 3.04 (4)
  41. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 3.04 (4)
  42. Skyfall, 2.96 (3)
  43. The Patriot (2000), 2.83 (3)
  44. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, 2.74 (3)
  45. Highlander, 2.7 (3)
  46. Captain America: The First Avenger, 2.7 (3)
  47. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, 2.7 (3)
  48. Star Trek: First Contact, 2.65 (3)
  49. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 2.65 (3)
  50. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 2.57 (3)
  51. The Dark Knight Rises, 2.57 (3)
  52. New Nightmare, 2.52 (3)
  53. Alien 3, 2.52 (3)
  54. For Your Eyes Only, 2.48 (3)
  55. Creed, 2.48 (3)
  56. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, 2.43 (3)
  57. Blade Runner, 2.43 (3)
  58. Fatal Attraction, 2.43 (3)
  59. Spectre, 2.43 (3)
  60. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), 2.3 (3)
  61. The Running Man, 2.26 (3)
  62. Alien, 2.22 (3)
  63. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, 2.22 (3)
  64. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 2.22 (3)
  65. Rocky Balboa, 2.13 (3)
  66. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, 2.09 (3)
  67. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, 2.04 (3)
  68. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 2 even
  69. Terminator Genisys, 1.96 (2)
  70. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge, 1.91 (2)
  71. Superman II, 1.91 (2)
  72. The Silence of the Lambs, 1.91 (2)
  73. Batman Begins, 1.91 (2)
  74. Casino Royale (2006), 1.87 (2)
  75. Rambo III, 1.78 (2)
  76. Rocky IV, 1.74 (2)
  77. The Man with the Golden Gun, 1.39 (2)

And here’s the running list of movies, ranked by how fast they got me drunk:

  1. Machete Kills, 1.25
  2. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 1.19
  3. Freddy vs. Jason, 1.09
  4. You Only Live Twice, 1.08
  5. The Star Wars Holiday Special, 1.06
  6. Star Trek: Nemesis, 1.04
  7. Batman (1966), 1.03
  8. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 1
  9. The Spy Who Loved Me, 0.99
  10. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, 0.98
  11. Moonraker, 0.98
  12. Tango & Cash, 0.92
  13. The Dark Knight, 0.89
  14. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 0.85
  15. Iron Man 3, 0.83
  16. RoboCop (1987), 0.82
  17. V for Vendetta, 0.8
  18. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 0.8
  19. Batman Forever, 0.79
  20. Batman (1989), 0.76
  21. GoldenEye, 0.75
  22. Octopussy, 0.74
  23. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 0.73
  24. The Fifth Element, 0.73
  25. The Thing (1982), 0.73
  26. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, 0.71
  27. Aliens, 0.7
  28. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 0.7
  29. The World Is Not Enough, 0.7
  30. Tomorrow Never Dies, 0.67
  31. Jaws, 0.66
  32. The Wolverine, 0.65
  33. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 0.65
  34. Blade, 0.64
  35. Batman Returns, 0.62
  36. The Hunt for Red October, 0.61
  37. X2: X-Men United, 0.61
  38. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, 0.58
  39. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), 0.58
  40. Star Trek: First Contact, 0.55
  41. The Avengers (2012), 0.54
  42. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 0.54
  43. Terminator 2: Judgment Day, 0.53
  44. Die Another Day, 0.53
  45. The Living Daylights, 0.53
  46. Highlander, 0.53
  47. New Nightmare, 0.52
  48. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, 0.52
  49. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, 0.52
  50. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge, 0.52
  51. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 0.51
  52. The Running Man, 0.51
  53. Captain America: The First Avenger, 0.5
  54. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 0.5
  55. Skyfall, 0.48
  56. Blade Runner, 0.48
  57. Rocky Balboa, 0.48
  58. Fatal Attraction, 0.47
  59. For Your Eyes Only, 0.45
  60. Alien, 0.44
  61. Rocky IV, 0.44
  62. Creed, 0.43
  63. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, 0.43
  64. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 0.43
  65. Rambo III, 0.41
  66. Alien 3, 0.4
  67. Spectre, 0.38
  68. Superman II, 0.38
  69. The Patriot (2000), 0.37
  70. The Dark Knight Rises, 0.37
  71. The Silence of the Lambs, 0.37
  72. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 0.36
  73. Terminator Genisys, 0.36
  74. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, 0.34
  75. Batman Begins, 0.31
  76. Casino Royale (2006), 0.3
  77. The Man with the Golden Gun, 0.26

Next up, back to Bond, with a film featuring the funniest bit of animal abuse caught on screen, 1971’s Diamonds Are Forever. Curious how everyone who touches those diamonds seems to die.

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