Predator

Posted on by thecodeman92

The 1980s were the golden age of macho action films. Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, Chuck Norris, and Dolph Lundgren all came to prominence in the decade. Sly Stallone began the Rambo series. But none were more dominant than the Austrian Oak himself, the future Governator, and the finest actor who ever lived, Arnold Schwarzenegger. By 1987, Arnie had completed both Conan films, The Terminator, Red Sonja, Commando, and Raw Deal, taking his place atop the action film scene. The film that cemented his reign, however, was Arnold’s best movie, Predator.

The film begins with a team of crack commandos emerging from helicopters onto a beach. Dutch (Schwarzenegger) is greeted at the command post by his former compatriot and current CIA operative, Dillon (Carl Weathers), with the most epic handshake EVER. Dutch and Dillon are briefed by a general on their mission: to rescue an allied cabinet minister from rebels who have taken him hostage. Dutch and Dillon set out with the rest of the commando team: the always-sweating Mac (Bill Duke), Poncho (Richard Chaves), the joker Hawkins (Shane Black), the tracker Billy (Sonny Landham), and the “sexual tyrannosaurus” Blaine (Jesse Ventura). The group lands in the jungle and begins its trek towards the enemy base. Along the way, they find a downed helicopter, with the occupants skinned alive. The commandos move onto the base, determined but shaken. Dutch and his team annihilate the base, killing all but one of the rebels, Anna. The commandos don’t find any sign of a cabinet minister, so Dutch manages to wring the truth out of Dillon: it was all a setup to gain intel. Dutch, pissed off at the betrayal, orders his team to move out. Unbeknownst to them but knownst to us, they are being tracked by an unseen foe. A shiny new donkey for those who know what film I just referenced.

As the team moves through the jungle to their pickup point, Anna tries to make her escape. She is caught by Hawkins, who is killed by an invisible force. The commandos hunt for the killer, who stealthily kills Blaine with an energy weapon. Mac spots the Predator in the trees, picks up Blaine’s minigun, and begins firing wildly into the jungle. The rest of the team arrives and begins firing into the jungle as well. This is one of the most macho scenes in any film ever. It’s literally a minute of them firing weapons into some trees. I fucking love it. After they use up most of their ammo, they realize that they didn’t get it. The Predator escaped, but not without injury: its glowing green blood was left on some leaves.

The next morning, after laying a trap for the creature, the team lays in wait for it. The Predator springs the trap, but escapes using its energy weapon, injuring Poncho. Mac and Dillon pursue the creature, while Dutch, Anna, Poncho, and Billy make their way towards the pickup point. The Predator manages to take out Mac, but is spotted by Dillon, who fires wildly at it. The Predator fires its energy weapon, severing one of Dillon’s arms, which falls to the ground still firing the weapon. This is one of the best special effects that I’ve ever seen. We see Dillon’s arm fall to the ground still firing the weapon. It looks like an actual arm, firing an actual gun, while laying on the ground. We see the stump, too. It’s not like the arm is attached to a guy off-screen, we actually see where the point of severance is. Today, that would just be CGI’d and it would look bad, but this looks fucking real. Anyways, the Predator dispatches Dillon and catches up to the fleeing group, killing Billy and Poncho and injuring Dutch. Anna runs off to the pickup point, while the Predator pursues Dutch off of a cliff into a river. Dutch emerges covered in mud, which masks his heat signature from the Predator. It moves away, allowing Dutch some breathing room.

Both of the combatants regroup and prepare for the final showdown: the Predator polishes and cleans the trophies of his kills (their skulls), while Dutch sets up traps for his opponent. When he is finished, he lights a torch and lets out a primal yell, signaling to his the Predator to come get him. The Predator obliges, coming after Dutch. He manages to damage the Predator’s cloaking device, but the alien is unfazed. He even removes his mask and energy weapon, preferring to fight Dutch in close quarters combat. It’s here that we see Stan Winston’s wizardry at work. The Predator mask is one of the most creative and realistic costume pieces ever made for film. Dutch manages to lure the Predator into another trap, managing to mortally wound it. The Predator, refusing to leave his own skull as a trophy for Dutch, activates a self-destruct mechanism in his wrist device. Dutch barely escapes as a massive explosion envelops the jungle. Dutch is rescued by the pickup helicopter, ending his ordeal.

You should know by now that I love Arnold Schwarzenegger. You know that I love action movies. And you know that I love one-liners. Predator combines those things beautifully. There are so many quotable lines from this movie. “This stuff’ll make you a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus, just like me.” “If it bleeds, we can kill it.” “Stick around!” “I ain’t got time to bleed.” “Get to the choppa!” And, the one I think I quote almost every day of my life, “Do it now!” The action and the explosions are top notch. We even get what I call a “Sven moment.” In many of his action movies, Arnold’s workout buddy Sven-Ole Thorson can be spotted, usually being killed or defeated by Arnold. He’s the guy who gets blown away by Arnold when he kicks down a door while saying “knock, knock.” Hell, this movie stars not one, but two future U. S. governors. Arnold, of course, was Governor of California from 2003-11, but Jesse the Body Ventura was Governor of Minnesota from 1999-2003. Any movie with two Governors must be great, right? Consequently, the two also appeared in The Running Man and Batman & Robin together. Yes, I still stand by my statements.

Here’s the breakdown:

  1. The commandos reminisce about old times: 5
  2. Predator-vision: 33
  3. A commando sets a booby trap: 7
  4. Mac uses his razor: 2
  5. Glory shot of someone’s biceps: 12
  6. Billy shows his tracking skills: 4
  7. The Predator kills: 7
  8. Someone says something AWESOME: 14

Total: 84

So, with a total of 84 sips, and 23 sips per bottle, that comes out to 3.65 beers drank. As I do not waste beer, I round that up to 4. And as the runtime of Predator is 107 minutes, I drank at a rate of 0.79 sips per minute.

Here’s the running list of movies, ranked by amount of beer drank:

  1. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, 6.04 (7)
  2. Machete Kills, 6 even
  3. The Dark Knight, 5.87 (6)
  4. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 5.78 (6)
  5. You Only Live Twice, 5.48 (6)
  6. The Spy Who Loved Me, 5.39 (6)
  7. Moonraker, 5.35 (6)
  8. Star Trek: Nemesis, 5.26 (6)
  9. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 5.09 (6)
  10. Iron Man 3, 4.7 (5)
  11. Aliens, 4.7 (5)
  12. Batman (1966), 4.65 (5)
  13. Freddy vs. Jason, 4.61 (5)
  14. V for Vendetta, 4.61 (5)
  15. The Star Wars Holiday Special, 4.52 (5)
  16. Demolition Man, 4.52 (5)
  17. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 4.48 (5)
  18. GoldenEye, 4.26 (5)
  19. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 4.22 (5)
  20. Batman Forever, 4.17 (5)
  21. Batman (1989), 4.17 (5)
  22. Octopussy, 4.09 (5)
  23. Tango & Cash, 4.04 (5)
  24. The Fifth Element, 4 even
  25. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 4 even
  26. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 3.91 (4)
  27. The World Is Not Enough, 3.91 (4)
  28. The Wolverine, 3.91 (4)
  29. The Terminator, 3.87 (4)
  30. RoboCop (1987), 3.87 (4)
  31. Predator, 3.65 (4)
  32. Diamonds Are Forever, 3.65 (4)
  33. The Hunt for Red October, 3.61 (4)
  34. Jaws, 3.57 (4)
  35. X2: X-Men United, 3.52 (4)
  36. The Thing (1982), 3.48 (4)
  37. Tomorrow Never Dies, 3.48 (4)
  38. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 3.48 (4)
  39. Iron Man 2, 3.39 (4)
  40. Batman Returns, 3.39 (4)
  41. Blade, 3.35 (4)
  42. The Avengers (2012), 3.35 (4)
  43. Terminator 2: Judgment Day, 3.17 (4)
  44. Die Another Day, 3.09 (4)
  45. Road House (1989), 3.04 (4)
  46. The Living Daylights, 3.04 (4)
  47. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 3.04 (4)
  48. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, 2.96 (3)
  49. The Fugitive, 2.96 (3)
  50. Skyfall, 2.96 (3)
  51. The Patriot (2000), 2.83 (3)
  52. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, 2.74 (3)
  53. Highlander, 2.7 (3)
  54. Captain America: The First Avenger, 2.7 (3)
  55. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, 2.7 (3)
  56. Star Trek: First Contact, 2.65 (3)
  57. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 2.65 (3)
  58. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 2.57 (3)
  59. The Dark Knight Rises, 2.57 (3)
  60. New Nightmare, 2.52 (3)
  61. Alien 3, 2.52 (3)
  62. For Your Eyes Only, 2.48 (3)
  63. Creed, 2.48 (3)
  64. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, 2.43 (3)
  65. Blade Runner, 2.43 (3)
  66. Fatal Attraction, 2.43 (3)
  67. Spectre, 2.43 (3)
  68. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), 2.3 (3)
  69. The Running Man, 2.26 (3)
  70. Alien, 2.22 (3)
  71. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, 2.22 (3)
  72. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 2.22 (3)
  73. Rocky Balboa, 2.13 (3)
  74. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, 2.09 (3)
  75. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, 2.04 (3)
  76. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 2 even
  77. Terminator Genisys, 1.96 (2)
  78. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge, 1.91 (2)
  79. Superman II, 1.91 (2)
  80. The Silence of the Lambs, 1.91 (2)
  81. Batman Begins, 1.91 (2)
  82. Casino Royale (2006), 1.87 (2)
  83. Rambo III, 1.78 (2)
  84. Rocky IV, 1.74 (2)
  85. The Man with the Golden Gun, 1.39 (2)

And here’s the running list of movies, ranked by how fast they got me drunk:

  1. Machete Kills, 1.25
  2. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 1.19
  3. Freddy vs. Jason, 1.09
  4. You Only Live Twice, 1.08
  5. The Star Wars Holiday Special, 1.06
  6. Star Trek: Nemesis, 1.04
  7. Batman (1966), 1.03
  8. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 1
  9. The Spy Who Loved Me, 0.99
  10. Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones, 0.98
  11. Moonraker, 0.98
  12. Tango & Cash, 0.92
  13. Demolition Man, 0.9
  14. The Dark Knight, 0.89
  15. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 0.85
  16. Iron Man 3, 0.83
  17. The Terminator, 0.83
  18. RoboCop (1987), 0.82
  19. V for Vendetta, 0.8
  20. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 0.8
  21. Batman Forever, 0.79
  22. Predator, 0.79
  23. Batman (1989), 0.76
  24. GoldenEye, 0.75
  25. Octopussy, 0.74
  26. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 0.73
  27. The Fifth Element, 0.73
  28. The Thing (1982), 0.73
  29. Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare, 0.71
  30. Aliens, 0.7
  31. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 0.7
  32. The World Is Not Enough, 0.7
  33. Diamonds Are Forever, 0.7
  34. Tomorrow Never Dies, 0.67
  35. Jaws, 0.66
  36. The Wolverine, 0.65
  37. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 0.65
  38. Blade, 0.64
  39. Star Trek V: The Final Frontier, 0.64
  40. Iron Man 2, 0.62
  41. Batman Returns, 0.62
  42. The Hunt for Red October, 0.61
  43. X2: X-Men United, 0.61
  44. Road House (1989), 0.61
  45. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, 0.58
  46. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), 0.58
  47. Star Trek: First Contact, 0.55
  48. The Avengers (2012), 0.54
  49. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 0.54
  50. Terminator 2: Judgment Day, 0.53
  51. Die Another Day, 0.53
  52. The Living Daylights, 0.53
  53. Highlander, 0.53
  54. The Fugitive, 0.52
  55. New Nightmare, 0.52
  56. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, 0.52
  57. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, 0.52
  58. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge, 0.52
  59. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 0.51
  60. The Running Man, 0.51
  61. Captain America: The First Avenger, 0.5
  62. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 0.5
  63. Skyfall, 0.48
  64. Blade Runner, 0.48
  65. Rocky Balboa, 0.48
  66. Fatal Attraction, 0.47
  67. For Your Eyes Only, 0.45
  68. Alien, 0.44
  69. Rocky IV, 0.44
  70. Creed, 0.43
  71. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, 0.43
  72. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 0.43
  73. Rambo III, 0.41
  74. Alien 3, 0.4
  75. Spectre, 0.38
  76. Superman II, 0.38
  77. The Patriot (2000), 0.37
  78. The Dark Knight Rises, 0.37
  79. The Silence of the Lambs, 0.37
  80. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 0.36
  81. Terminator Genisys, 0.36
  82. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, 0.34
  83. Batman Begins, 0.31
  84. Casino Royale (2006), 0.3
  85. The Man with the Golden Gun, 0.26

Next up, another badass movie that is supremely quotable, 2000’s Gladiator. And the great whore will suckle us until we are fat and happy and can suckle no more.

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