GoldenEye

Posted on by thecodeman92

By 1995, the silver screen had been devoid of James Bond for six years, an absence unheard of since the first Bond film in 1962. A film was planned for 1991 with Timothy Dalton returning to the role, but behind-the-scenes legal disputes between MGM and producer Cubby Broccoli delayed production, causing Dalton to step down from the role early in 1994. To replace him, Broccoli decided on his original replacement for Sir Roger Moore, Pierce Brosnan…unfortunately. I’ve gone on record saying that Pierce Brosnan is one of the worst actors ever, so I won’t go into my deep disdain for the man’s abilities. However, I will say that 1995’s GoldenEye was his best Bond movie and one that I kind of like. Sean Bean as an adequately devious villain, a great plot with old Soviet superweapons, a decent Bond girl, and Dame Judi Dench as a far more ball-busting M is a good mix. And the DB5 shows up, so I’m happy with it.

Here’s the breakdown:

  1. Bond has sex: 3
  2. Someone is killed: 56
  3. Someone has a chance to kill Bond but doesn’t: 2
  4. An explosion: 19
  5. A new gadget: 11
  6. Bond delivers a killer one-liner: 2
  7. Shaken, not stirred: 3
  8. Bond. James Bond.: 2

Total: 98

So, with a total of 98 sips, and 23 sips per bottle, that comes out to 4.26 beers drank. As I do not waste beers, I round that up to 5. And as the runtime of GoldenEye is 130 minutes, I drank at a rate of 0.75 sips per minute.

Here’s the running list of movies, ranked by amount of beer drank:

  1. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 5.78 (6)
  2. You Only Live Twice, 5.48 (6)
  3. The Spy Who Loved Me, 5.39 (6)
  4. Moonraker, 5.35 (6)
  5. Star Trek: Nemesis, 5.26 (6)
  6. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 5.09 (6)
  7. Iron Man 3, 4.7 (5)
  8. Batman (1966), 4.65 (5)
  9. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 4.48 (5)
  10. GoldenEye, 4.26 (5)
  11. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 4.22 (5)
  12. Tango & Cash, 4.04 (5)
  13. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 4 even
  14. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 3.91 (4)
  15. The World Is Not Enough, 3.91 (4)
  16. RoboCop (1987), 3.87 (4)
  17. X2: X-Men United, 3.52 (4)
  18. Tomorrow Never Dies, 3.48 (4)
  19. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 3.48 (4)
  20. Blade, 3.35 (4)
  21. Die Another Day, 3.09 (4)
  22. The Living Daylights, 3.04 (4)
  23. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 3.04 (4)
  24. Skyfall, 2.96 (3)
  25. The Patriot (2000), 2.83 (3)
  26. Highlander, 2.7 (3)
  27. Star Trek: First Contact, 2.65 (3)
  28. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 2.65 (3)
  29. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 2.57 (3)
  30. The Dark Knight Rises, 2.57 (3)
  31. Alien 3, 2.52 (3)
  32. For Your Eyes Only, 2.48 (3)
  33. Creed, 2.48 (3)
  34. Blade Runner, 2.43 (3)
  35. Fatal Attraction, 2.43 (3)
  36. Spectre, 2.43 (3)
  37. Alien, 2.22 (3)
  38. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 2.22 (3)
  39. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 2 even
  40. Batman Begins, 1.91 (2)
  41. Rambo III, 1.78 (2)
  42. Rocky IV, 1.74 (2)
  43. The Man with the Golden Gun, 1.39 (2)

And here’s the running list of movies, ranked by how fast they got me drunk:

  1. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 1.19
  2. You Only Live Twice, 1.08
  3. Star Trek: Nemesis, 1.04
  4. Batman (1966), 1.03
  5. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 1
  6. The Spy Who Loved Me, 0.99
  7. Moonraker, 0.98
  8. Tango & Cash, 0.92
  9. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 0.85
  10. Iron Man 3, 0.83
  11. RoboCop (1987), 0.82
  12. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 0.8
  13. GoldenEye, 0.75
  14. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 0.73
  15. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 0.7
  16. The World Is Not Enough, 0.7
  17. Tomorrow Never Dies, 0.67
  18. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 0.65
  19. Blade, 0.64
  20. X2: X-Men United, 0.61
  21. Star Trek: First Contact, 0.55
  22. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 0.54
  23. Die Another Day, 0.53
  24. The Living Daylights, 0.53
  25. Highlander, 0.53
  26. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 0.51
  27. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 0.5
  28. Skyfall, 0.48
  29. Blade Runner, 0.48
  30. Fatal Attraction, 0.47
  31. For Your Eyes Only, 0.45
  32. Alien, 0.44
  33. Rocky IV, 0.44
  34. Creed, 0.43
  35. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 0.43
  36. Rambo III, 0.41
  37. Alien 3, 0.4
  38. Spectre, 0.38
  39. The Patriot (2000), 0.37
  40. The Dark Knight Rises, 0.37
  41. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 0.36
  42. Batman Begins, 0.31
  43. The Man with the Golden Gun, 0.26

Thankfully, this is the last Brosnan Bond movie I watched for this project. No more Pierce. I’m done with him. Mercy does exist. Next up, the finest superhero movie ever made, 2012’s The Avengers. My secret? I’m always angry. Puny god.

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