Blade Runner

Posted on by thecodeman92

I like dystopian films. I like movies with robots. I like Harrison Ford. Combine the three and the world is graced with the majesty that is 1982’s Blade Runner. Sir Ridley Scott’s follow-up to Alien kept Scott in the future, but much closer to home, set in a now not-too-distant 2019 Los Angeles, home to the Tyrell Corporation, manufacturer of human-like androids called “replicants.” Harrison Ford plays Rick Deckard, a former “blade runner” (cops who hunt rogue replicants) who’s brought out of retirement to “retire” a group of escaped replicants. I’m not going to say anything more than that about the plot, because there are so many subtleties and nuances that it would take forever to explain them all. Two things I will discuss, however.

Firstly, I love the setting of this movie. I have a soft spot for old noir films of the 1940s, like Out of the Past or The Maltese Falcon. Blade Runner put a new spin on the concept, blending noir with science-fiction to create “tech noir,” a subgenre that includes awesome films like Minority Report and Ghost in the Shell (the original anime, not the live-action remake). A true trailblazer.

The second thing is Rutger Hauer’s monologue at the end of the film. To explain, you need to know that I am a very macro sort of person. I look at the big picture more than that of the small one. One of my favorite photographs ever is Pale Blue Dot. It hangs above the couch in my apartment. Look it up if your curious, but it is a reminder to me that we (humanity, I mean) are a very small and insignificant piece to the puzzle of the Universe. Hauer’s lines (and I do call them his, since he improvised them) reflect on the insignificance of our existence in the grand scheme of things and that, eventually, all we are turns to dust. Like tears in rain.

Here’s the breakdown:

  1. Someone eats or drinks: 7
  2. Someone is killed or retired: 7
  3. A new artificial life form is introduced: 9
  4. Geishas: 4
  5. Asian writing: 6
  6. Close-up of an eye: 9
  7. “Replicant” is said: 7
  8. “Deckard” is said: 7

Total: 56

So, with a total of 56 sips, and 23 sips per bottle, that comes out to 2.43 beers drank. As I do not waste beers, I round that up to 3. And as the runtime of Blade Runner is 117 minutes, I drank at a rate of 0.48 sips per minute.

Here’s the running list of movies, ranked by amount of beer drank:

  1. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 5.78 (6)
  2. You Only Live Twice, 5.48 (6)
  3. The Spy Who Loved Me, 5.39 (6)
  4. Moonraker, 5.35 (6)
  5. Star Trek: Nemesis, 5.26 (6)
  6. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 5.09 (6)
  7. Iron Man 3, 4.7 (5)
  8. Batman (1966), 4.65 (5)
  9. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 4.48 (5)
  10. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 4.22 (5)
  11. Tango & Cash, 4.04 (5)
  12. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 4 even
  13. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 3.91 (4)
  14. The World Is Not Enough, 3.91 (4)
  15. RoboCop (1987), 3.87 (4)
  16. X2: X-Men United, 3.52 (4)
  17. Tomorrow Never Dies, 3.48 (4)
  18. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 3.48 (4)
  19. Blade, 3.35 (4)
  20. Die Another Day, 3.09 (4)
  21. The Living Daylights, 3.04 (4)
  22. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 3.04 (4)
  23. Skyfall, 2.96 (3)
  24. The Patriot (2000), 2.83 (3)
  25. Highlander, 2.7 (3)
  26. Star Trek: First Contact, 2.65 (3)
  27. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 2.65 (3)
  28. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 2.57 (3)
  29. The Dark Knight Rises, 2.57 (3)
  30. Alien 3, 2.52 (3)
  31. For Your Eyes Only, 2.48 (3)
  32. Creed, 2.48 (3)
  33. Blade Runner, 2.43 (3)
  34. Fatal Attraction, 2.43 (3)
  35. Spectre, 2.43 (3)
  36. Alien, 2.22 (3)
  37. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 2.22 (3)
  38. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 2 even
  39. Batman Begins, 1.91 (2)
  40. Rambo III, 1.78 (2)
  41. Rocky IV, 1.74 (2)
  42. The Man with the Golden Gun, 1.39 (2)

And here’s the running list of movies, ranked by how fast they got me drunk:

  1. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 1.19
  2. You Only Live Twice, 1.08
  3. Star Trek: Nemesis, 1.04
  4. Batman (1966), 1.03
  5. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 1
  6. The Spy Who Loved Me, 0.99
  7. Moonraker, 0.98
  8. Tango & Cash, 0.92
  9. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 0.85
  10. Iron Man 3, 0.83
  11. RoboCop (1987), 0.82
  12. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 0.8
  13. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 0.73
  14. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 0.7
  15. The World Is Not Enough, 0.7
  16. Tomorrow Never Dies, 0.67
  17. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 0.65
  18. Blade, 0.64
  19. X2: X-Men United, 0.61
  20. Star Trek: First Contact, 0.55
  21. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 0.54
  22. Die Another Day, 0.53
  23. The Living Daylights, 0.53
  24. Highlander, 0.53
  25. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 0.51
  26. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 0.5
  27. Skyfall, 0.48
  28. Blade Runner, 0.48
  29. Fatal Attraction, 0.47
  30. For Your Eyes Only, 0.45
  31. Alien, 0.44
  32. Rocky IV, 0.44
  33. Creed, 0.43
  34. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 0.43
  35. Rambo III, 0.41
  36. Alien 3, 0.4
  37. Spectre, 0.38
  38. The Patriot (2000), 0.37
  39. The Dark Knight Rises, 0.37
  40. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 0.36
  41. Batman Begins, 0.31
  42. The Man with the Golden Gun, 0.26

It’s worth mentioning the sequel coming out in a few months. I have mixed feelings about it. I love that Harrison Ford is returning, but I enjoy the original so much that I may be disappointed by Blade Runner 2049. We’ll see. Next up, more Bond. Sarcastic woo. Brosnan Bond. Double sarcastic woo. 1995’s GoldenEye. Back to single sarcastic woo.

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