A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Posted on by thecodeman92

I’m old-fashioned when it comes to horror films. I’m not really into the modern, blood-soaked gore-fests. Hellraiser is about as bloody as I can take. Halloween (1978), Dracula (1958), Friday the 13th (1980), The Shining, these are my staples of the horror genre. My favorite series, though, is A Nightmare on Elm Street, kicked off by the eponymous 1984 film. The original is not my favorite horror film, nor even my favorite in the series, but I love it still. The film starts off in a dingy boiler room, with a young girl being chased by a blade-wielding killer. The girl wakes up, revealing the experience as a dream. The girl tells her friends, who reveal that they’ve all had the same dream. One by one, the teens are killed off by the dream demon, until only Nancy (Heather Langenkamp) is left. She has learned by this point that the demon is the reincarnation of child killer Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund), who was acquitted during his trial due to a technicality. A group of parents, including Nancy’s (John Saxon and who cares?), channeled their inner Frank Castle and burned Krueger alive. Krueger returns as a demon to take his revenge, kill the children, and consume their souls. Nancy learns how to pull Krueger out of the dream world into the real world for a final battle, setting up traps to stop him. Eventually, she does defeat him, at the cost of her mother’s life. Or did she…

This film and a couple of the sequels are annual staples in my Halloween lineup. Freddy Krueger is one of my favorite movie villains, in large part due to his mastery of the art of the one-liner. The kills are always creative and fun to watch, especially in some of the sequels. One of the worst sins committed by Hollywood is trying to remake/reboot the series. The 2010 version is a train wreck, exacerbated by the fact that Robert Englund did not play Freddy. That’s a role that should not be recast, EVER. Freddy isn’t like Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees or Leatherface. You can’t just throw someone into that role. Robert Englund IS Freddy Krueger, end of discussion.

Here’s the breakdown:

  1. Someone runs badly: 5
  2. Freddy uses his claws: 8
  3. Dream magic: 12
  4. Someone is wearing a sweater vest: 4
  5. Freddy is happy: 4
  6. “Nightmare” is said: 12
  7. Nancy’s traps: 3
  8. The parents are ignorant: 5

Total: 53

So, with a total of 53 sips, and 23 sips per bottle, that comes out to 2.3 beers drank. As I do not waste beer, I round that up to 3. And as the runtime of A Nightmare on Elm Street is 91 minutes, I drank at a rate of 0.58 sips per minute.

Here’s the running list of movies, ranked by amount of beer drank:

  1. Machete Kills, 6 even
  2. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 5.78 (6)
  3. You Only Live Twice, 5.48 (6)
  4. The Spy Who Loved Me, 5.39 (6)
  5. Moonraker, 5.35 (6)
  6. Star Trek: Nemesis, 5.26 (6)
  7. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 5.09 (6)
  8. Iron Man 3, 4.7 (5)
  9. Aliens, 4.7 (5)
  10. Batman (1966), 4.65 (5)
  11. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 4.48 (5)
  12. GoldenEye, 4.26 (5)
  13. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 4.22 (5)
  14. Octopussy, 4.09 (5)
  15. Tango & Cash, 4.04 (5)
  16. The Fifth Element, 4 even
  17. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 4 even
  18. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 3.91 (4)
  19. The World Is Not Enough, 3.91 (4)
  20. RoboCop (1987), 3.87 (4)
  21. Jaws, 3.57
  22. X2: X-Men United, 3.52 (4)
  23. The Thing (1982), 3.48 (4)
  24. Tomorrow Never Dies, 3.48 (4)
  25. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 3.48 (4)
  26. Blade, 3.35 (4)
  27. The Avengers (2012), 3.35 (4)
  28. Die Another Day, 3.09 (4)
  29. The Living Daylights, 3.04 (4)
  30. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 3.04 (4)
  31. Skyfall, 2.96 (3)
  32. The Patriot (2000), 2.83 (3)
  33. Highlander, 2.7 (3)
  34. Captain America: The First Avenger, 2.7 (3)
  35. Star Trek: First Contact, 2.65 (3)
  36. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 2.65 (3)
  37. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 2.57 (3)
  38. The Dark Knight Rises, 2.57 (3)
  39. Alien 3, 2.52 (3)
  40. For Your Eyes Only, 2.48 (3)
  41. Creed, 2.48 (3)
  42. Blade Runner, 2.43 (3)
  43. Fatal Attraction, 2.43 (3)
  44. Spectre, 2.43 (3)
  45. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), 2.3 (3)
  46. The Running Man, 2.26 (3)
  47. Alien, 2.22 (3)
  48. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, 2.22 (3)
  49. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 2.22 (3)
  50. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 2 even
  51. Superman II, 1.91 (2)
  52. The Silence of the Lambs, 1.91 (2)
  53. Batman Begins, 1.91 (2)
  54. Rambo III, 1.78 (2)
  55. Rocky IV, 1.74 (2)
  56. The Man with the Golden Gun, 1.39 (2)

And here’s the running list of movies, ranked by how fast they got me drunk:

  1. Machete Kills, 1.25
  2. Star Wars: The Clone Wars, 1.19
  3. You Only Live Twice, 1.08
  4. Star Trek: Nemesis, 1.04
  5. Batman (1966), 1.03
  6. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, 1
  7. The Spy Who Loved Me, 0.99
  8. Moonraker, 0.98
  9. Tango & Cash, 0.92
  10. Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, 0.85
  11. Iron Man 3, 0.83
  12. RoboCop (1987), 0.82
  13. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan, 0.8
  14. GoldenEye, 0.75
  15. Octopussy, 0.74
  16. Star Trek: The Motion Picture, 0.73
  17. The Fifth Element, 0.73
  18. The Thing (1982), 0.73
  19. Aliens, 0.7
  20. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi, 0.7
  21. The World Is Not Enough, 0.7
  22. Tomorrow Never Dies, 0.67
  23. Jaws, 0.66
  24. Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back, 0.65
  25. Blade, 0.64
  26. X2: X-Men United, 0.61
  27. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), 0.58
  28. Star Trek: First Contact, 0.55
  29. The Avengers (2012), 0.54
  30. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, 0.54
  31. Die Another Day, 0.53
  32. The Living Daylights, 0.53
  33. Highlander, 0.53
  34. Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens, 0.51
  35. The Running Man, 0.51
  36. Captain America: The First Avenger, 0.5
  37. Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, 0.5
  38. Skyfall, 0.48
  39. Blade Runner, 0.48
  40. Fatal Attraction, 0.47
  41. For Your Eyes Only, 0.45
  42. Alien, 0.44
  43. Rocky IV, 0.44
  44. Creed, 0.43
  45. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, 0.43
  46. Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 0.43
  47. Rambo III, 0.41
  48. Alien 3, 0.4
  49. Spectre, 0.38
  50. Superman II, 0.38
  51. The Patriot (2000), 0.37
  52. The Dark Knight Rises, 0.37
  53. The Silence of the Lambs, 0.37
  54. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, 0.36
  55. Batman Begins, 0.31
  56. The Man with the Golden Gun, 0.26

Next up, the next entry in the franchise, 1985’s A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge. You are all my children now…

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